What to Know When Deciding on Having 2 or 3 Kids
What do you do if you are deciding on having 2 or 3 kids??? Maybe you are like me and you decided to have two kids and then wanted a third…Or maybe you always wanted more but don’t know if it is right for you and your family. Some families feel complete with 2 kids and some really want to have more. Maybe you aren’t sure if it is going to bring love and happiness or just more chaos. If you’re on the fence about expanding your family, let this post be your guide to answer your questions when deciding on having 2 or 3 kids.
Should you have a third child??
Here are some questions to ask yourself when considering going from having 2 to 3 kids to help make the decision easier.
Do you have help?
Are you financially prepared?
Do you have a support system or dependable babysitters? (are your parents or spouse’s parents able to help you? Are they older parents who wouldn’t be able to help as much?)
Do you and your spouse agree on having more kids?
Do you or your husband work a lot leaving one of you alone with the kids more often?
Are you okay with continuing sleepless nights by having a newborn?
Do you have enough space in your house?
Can your car fit all three kids comfortably?
Are you in good enough physical shape to be pregnant for a third time?
How many year age gap is between the 2nd and 3rd kids?
You should be able to say yes to at least half of these questions.
Assessing Your Current Family Circumstances
Lifestyle and Routines
Having two kids means you probably already have a routine, but throwing a new baby into the mix will likely change that. Depending on how far apart in age they are, it can be a big change from your existing daily routine. With your school and daycare drop-offs, nap times, and bedtime routines, you need to plan for the addition.
Since you have already made the transition from 1 to 2 kids, you understand the challenges with adding a new child into the dynamics of the family. You probably blurred the postpartum challenges from your memory and don’t remember the struggles of being pregnant while having another baby. But you did it and made it through once, and you can do it again.
Your other children will be older and may need to take on some responsibilities and help with some things which can make it easier when it comes to adding another. I always thought to myself that my kids would grow and be older by the time I had my next baby. They weren’t just all going to stay young forever.
Financial Considerations
Money is a really important factor to consider when deciding on having 2 or 3 kids. Let’s be real, if you really like things a specific way, it especially matters. For example, if it is a big priority to have your kids in sports, eat organic food or send your kids to private school, then money matters. Of course, there are many ways to figure those things out, but you need to take them into consideration.
Take a look at (or make) your existing budget and see how that would change adding another baby into the mix. I will say that you might not have it all figured out now, but you will if it comes down to it. It might not be easy, but you can find a way to make more money or learn a new skill. Or by the time you have a baby, you add another income stream or get a promotion. There’s many options so don’t completely check it off the box if you don’t have it all figured out right this second.
As a working mom, having another kid definitely makes for harder work for you. But it is a personal choice. The hardest thing is going to be making the decision, but once it is made, you will figure everything else out.
Emotional Capacity
Raining multiple kids is definitely emotionally fulfilling, but at times it can also be emotionally draining. When deciding on having 2 or 3 kids, you really need to look inward and be honest with yourself regarding what you can and can’t handle.
If you really care about the house being clean at all times, really value having lots of personal time, can’t handle stress well or things of that nature, maybe you should reconsider. Coming from a mom with multiple kids I will say that I would have never thought I would be as calm and patient as I am now. Surprisingly enough, after my second kid I became more calm, patient, and relaxed. I know that sounds crazy and doesn’t make sense but it’s so true.
Your Energy
If we are being totally honest, your energy as a mom of two is probably shot already. You are used to waking up at random hours and early in the morning. You are used to chasing your kids around and you are used to random stressful times. Adding another kid will certainly add to that, but it isn’t anything you haven’t experienced before.
Relationship Dynamics
Sibling relationships
Deciding on having 2 or 3 kids is definitely going to impact sibling relationships. You should consider the age gap and difference between the kids and how their life will be as a result of adding another sibling.
One of the most exciting parts of having more children is a built in playmate and best friend for life. With that can also come jealousy and a need to balance parent’s attention equally. In my opinion, I would have the kids as close together as possible so that they don’t really remember anything different. It is definitely harder in the beginning but more rewarding long term.
If you have older kids, they will most likely want to help out with things like diapers and changes which makes things easier for you. And it also gives them something to do as well.
Parental Responsibilities
It's very important to talk about and make agreements with your partner regarding duties and responsibilities beforehand to make sure that you are on the same page. This also helps you feel confident going into the decision making process knowing that you got everything out of the way. As a parent, you will definitely always want to make sure that you are creating enough one-on-one time with each of your kids and making sure that they always feel loved.
Keeping the romance alive is already hard with two kids. Consider how adding another kid can influence this part of your relationship and work out ways to sort this out. If you are struggling at this already, try to find a way you can make time for each other before going into this decision making process to avoid adding the stress to it all.
The best relationship advice I was ever given was to continue to date throughout the marriage. And we still do this. We always make time whenever we can to go on dates and get a sitter. We always prioritize our relationship and make time for it no matter how busy we get. And trust me, it is not easy at all. But, you need to be strong as a united couple for your kids to be good for them. They look up to you and notice more than you think. Showing them love and respect is setting a good example and setting them up for success in their future relationships.
As a mom, you will want to figure out what you do and don’t actually need a third time around. If I could recommend anything it would be the following:
2. A Doona carseat and stroller
Practical Considerations
Living Arrangements
Do you currently have enough space for another child in your home? Or will adding another one mean that you need to move? Bedrooms, bathrooms and storage all play an important factor in this decision to accommodate your growing family. If you are fine with room-sharing and your kids don’t mind, you might not have to move. Older kids usually don’t mind rooming with each other. But they might not love to room with a crying baby. But if it is important to you, then you will need to consider the logistics and financial side of a move. It is never cheap to move.
Also larger families usually find themselves needing to upgrade their car to ensure everyone can fit and lug around all their belongings comfortably. With three kids, car seats take up a lot of space. And if your car isn’t big enough, you might need to get all new, slim carseats. So, your car size definitely matters.
Work-Life Balance
When deciding on having 2 or 3 kids your career and work-life balance definitely comes into play. Consider whether adding another child aligns with your professional goals. A lot of times parents end up having to change their work schedules or pay a lot more in childcare costs. Lots of parents nowadays find it difficult to justify the cost of childcare versus staying at home while one parent works. If you have big career goals, consider how this will be affected by having another baby.
I don’t want this to be discouraging, but it is a very important factor. There is no reason that you can’t make it all work and find a way to achieve your big career goals and add another child to the family. But you do need to consider it in the planning process so that you have it mapped out to actually achieve those goals. You are probably already used to long-hours and sleep deprivation and less of a social life having two kids. Considering all of that alongside your work-life is important with having more kids.
Support Systems
Having 2 or 3 kids most likely means that you will need a support system to lean on. This might be family, babysitters, or friends. Having a strong support system and network can really make a difference when deciding to have 2 or 3 kids. Decide if this is in the budget if it means additional babysitting and daycare costs. And if it isn’t, plan out how you could make it work.
Emotional and Personal Desires
Fulfillment and Completeness
Lots of families who have three kids have said that they feel like their family finally feels complete. Some people think that they might regret it if they stop at two. I have never personally met anyone who felt like they should have stopped at two but decided to have three. I have only met people who have told me that, looking back, they wish they had more. Though these all play a part, it is important to know what your interests are and what will make you happy when it comes to your long term vision for your family.
It might not be easy in the short-term but how do you envision your life in 10-15 years? Ask yourself this question, “How do you see your Thanksgiving table?” This is what I told my husband when we decided to have more than two kids. I told him I wanted a full, crazy, and loud Thanksgiving table every year and I never wanted the house to feel quiet. Obviously having a bunch of kids is not easy, but I was thinking long-term.
FOMO
Let’s be so real. Sometimes this decision really boils down to the fear of missing out. We have all experienced it at some point. But a lot of people base having 2 or 3 kids on emotions. People wonder if they’ll regret not having a third especially when they see other families that do.
Lessons from Parents Who Added a Third Child
Real Experiences
Many parents who transition from two to three kids say that it is both rewarding and overwhelming. Having a third means laughter, love and sibling bonds. But it can also mean more chaos, noise, and scheduling difficulties. Learning from other’s experiences can help you understand if the decision is right for you and what your life will really be like. Lots of parents also find that three is a sweet spot when it comes to kids. The older siblings are likely ready for more responsibility and the middle child and youngest child can be close in age.
If you know someone with 3 or more kids, see if you can spend some time with them. This way, you can see what it is actually like and if you are up for it. Deep down, you probably know your answer and don’t need me to tell you. I find that people always know what they want and they are just looking for something to validate their feelings one way or another.
Some people who come from families of three feel like the middle child is closer with either the older sibling or the younger sibling. Sometimes the middle child feels left out. Or if there is more than a year age gap, one of them can feel more left out than the other. If you are planning on a bigger family early on, consider the sweet spot when it comes to age gaps.
Lots of people who are an only child often want to have a bigger family, but the number of children you want to have should be based on your current lifestyle and situation. Many people find that their easiest baby is their third and that can be a big pro to consider when having 2 or 3 kids. The baby stage is hard, but think about their teenage years ans into the future. Think about having a larger family versus a smaller family.
Tips for a Smooth Transition from 2-3 Kids
Figure out the car. Before having your third child, plan out your car seat arrangement and car situation to make sure it is an easy transition for the family.
Get everyone in agreement. Consult the rest of the family, especially the older siblings and get their opinions. Young kids can sometimes feel upset with adding other siblings, letting them know in advance and getting their agreement can help make them feel like it is their decision too. Adding a third baby might be the best thing for them long-term and it is your responsibility to get them to see that.
Plan for needing help. Decide what help you will have and consider putting money aside for extra help or emergencies. I hate to break it to you, but you will be doing more laundry than you ever thought was possible. Consider hiring someone for a few weeks for the newborn phase or signing up for a laundry service.
Prepare your older children for the changes. When you know you are pregnant and expecting, you can start to prepare your older kids. It might be a real adjustment at first or they might be totally excited. For younger kids, you can try to show them examples when you are out and about. For me, my first was very little when I had my second. I would always show him siblings and every time he would see a baby he would tell me. By the time the baby came he was super excited to meet him.
Expect to never have a perfectly clean house. Being totally honest here. Your house will never ever be perfect for many many years. I’m sure you know this already having two kids, but it gets messier and messier with the more that you have. If you go into this already knowing it, the transition will be much easier.
Make time for yourself. This one sounds obvious, but as a mom of three, you really need to make time for yourself. It sounds impossible and crazy, but I promise you can. Making time for yourself is how you can ensure you remain good for the rest of your family. If you aren’t doing well, they won’t be either. Planning time for yourself in advance will save you.
Stay organized and declutter. As you know, your house will never be the same after having kids. But, more toys means more mess and clutter. Create systems and ways to stay organized in your home and get rid of as much clutter as you can before your new one arrives.
